soul makeover is moving!

hey everyone, soul makeover is scooting on over to tumblr. please update your bookmarks!

http://soulmakeover.tumblr.com

merry christmas

I don't remember ever believing in Santa Claus. When I was eight, I discovered that my parents were behind the mountain of toys my siblings and I received each year. I don't think I was disappointed because of that. I saw it as simpler-instead of writing to some dude at the north pole, my Christmas list went straight to the parental units. In my teens I picked out my own presents and wrapped them. This also meant that I got to sleep in every year, and I love sleep more than presents.

For the past couple of years I've felt jaded about Christmas-guilty about asking for a lot of stuff (especially during a recession) and not feeling very happy about seeing relatives. I get cabin fever and there is nothing open. I don't like shopping malls, or crowds, or most Christmas music (although I will rock the hell out of Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas is You).

This year was different. I opened my presents around noon, well after my younger siblings (they still had to wake me up). My mom heard me screaming at one of the presents, and she thought it was the check she wrote. I appreciated the money, but I was excited for a onesie pajama (note: I recently turned 23. you can kiss my pajama-covered butt).

My family didn't go overboard, instead choosing gifts that were thoughtful: pajamas that I will obnoxiously dance in (see: What Up With That skit on SNL for an idea of what my family will endure), a fake lump of coal, clothes, paints, and a little cash money for this broke college graduate. My sisters also got some lincoln logs, but I think my parents gave them those by accident, because who loves lincoln logs? this kid. And my family even let me stuff my face with breakfast before taking a ridiculous nap. No stress, no worrying, no yelling. It was a very low-key, happy day.

I feel christmas in my heart today, and it's not because of the presents. Merry Christmas!

mix tape monday

i miss making cassette tapes for my friends. i miss getting mix cds.

i'm feeling bluesy and eclectic today.

12.21.09
ben kweller/sawdust man
sigur ros/saeglopur
the little ones/cha cha cha
the whitest boy alive/dead end
kasey chambers/pony
lafcadio/slave to the muse
metric/help, i'm alive
heart/straight on for you

from a few days ago

my thoughts are so scattered lately. i think it's from working late days and staring at a computer screen, doing next to nothing. my vision blurs every few seconds, like i'm trying to tune out a bad tv show.
i want to get away. i need to get away. i belong in the light, dancing and twirling to my music. i don't want to go alone, though. i need a bestfriend for an adventure like this. i'm scared, but so very excited to begin. i get goosebumps just thinking about the potential.
i cry sometimes at night because i am unhappy. because i know there is so much more out there, but i can't quite reach it. i'm cold and lonely and i feel so strongly about everything. i believe in things. as jaded as i sound sometimes, i believe in myself and in love and in happiness. and the biggest thing to get in the way of those is doubt. change your life, change your mind.

some days are very nice, when the weather perks up for a bit and i can drive with my windows down and the wind blowing fresh air into my face. i can breathe again, and i know that someday i can make every day like this.

lately

i have been surrounded by the most incredible people-my friends. people who don't tell me that what i'm doing is wrong, or crazy, but people who are doing what they love and want the same for me. they are reaffirming my decision to be anything and everything i dream of, and i appreciate it so much.

december goals

1. finish website
2. have epic birthday party
3. relax in my papasan chair each night
4. write about this past year and create resolutions for 2010.

the decisive moment

ansel adams spoke of the decisive moment in regards to photography. i think about it in terms of my whole life. when is that decisive moment?

each decision feels like an important one. should i stay at my current job? should i move away? which taco should i order from taco bell? okay, that last one's a no-brainer. and the other ones aren't easy, but i know what's in my heart. the difficulty lies in shutting out other people's opinions and biases.  i need the confidence to make the decisive moments mine, and to enjoy the choices i make. this is my life, and i will do with it what i choose. and i think i'm heading in a good direction.


example of interference:
allie, you should get a new car.
why?
because.

i drive a 1991 toyota previa. i call her agnes.

behold, agnes, in all her glory. she has survived almost falling off a mountain, exploding a dead deer, being rear-ended, 10+ years of primary school carpool and 3 years of collegiate excursions.

i am proud of my little jellybean van. i admire a car that runs efficiently. i enjoy learning how to fix the things that are falling off of it due to age. i enjoy listening to music and bonding with my dad while we bleed the brakes and change the oil. i like not having a car payment. i like that my car consistently gets 21-24 mpg on the highway, and that i can calculate this for myself.

so because my car is old and dented (seriously, that is the best theft deterrent ever.  i used to carry $10000 worth of camera gear and no one touched this car. also, if your car shakes like a massage chair, if someone managed to hot-wire it they'd be too afraid to drive it away) i should get a new one. i should put myself through a six-year lease on a POS because it's shiny and new? i don't see the point. there is no point.

my car is different. there is something about being different that either attracts or repulses people. i'd rather be different than doing the exact same thing as everyone else. what is the fun in that? i want to understand the reason for the things i do instead of following blindly. knowledge is power, ya heard?

 

my friend sondrew and i had an incredible photoshoot on sunday. we went all over carolina's campus looking for good light and pretty colors. it was a little adventure, and we both had a great time. we stopped at sbux after and talked about doing what we love to do and keeping positive through it all. it was both enlightening and encouraging. i drove home grinning and singing at the top of my lungs. even driving on the highway wasn't giving me a panic attack.

and then i returned to my 'day job' and the stress headache immediately returned. my  body is telling me that this isn't right. i'm highly sensitive to such things, i suppose, and i used to avoid feeling at all as a way to compensate, but if i can feel ridiculously happy because i'm doing the things i love and being around the people i love, why let the bad things get in the way? such is the plight of the soul makeover.